This Can't Be Goodbye
by Lauren86
Summary: After Lily gives away their son, she can't resist going to see Rufus one more time but will she be able to keep her secret from him?


ive had this on my computer for ages, so i thought i may aswell post it. Set after Lily gives birth to their son, she can't resist going to see Rufus. The characters do not belong to me, unfortunatley...

Lily stared at the black door willing herself to enter, she wanted to run away. She was shaking and she didn't want to do this. It had been so long since she was here, and things were so different now. She didn't really know what she was doing here, but she had to come, she just had to make sure he was okay.

Taking a deep breath she pushed her way through the door, her stomach was twisted into knots as she slipped into the dark room. It was still exactly the same, people bustled around getting ready for the show. Her eyes found him instantly, up on the stage hooking up his guitar. He had lost weight, she noticed. She walked slowly towards him, her heart beating wildly in her chest. She was barely breathing. Why had she come? She didn't know what to say to him, her mind was blank, this was a mistake. She couldn't do this. She stopped and turned around, she had to get out of here, it had been too long. She started to walk away staring at the floor so he wouldn't see her.

'Lily!' Too late. He had caught her. Slowly she turned around and he was still stood on the stage staring down at her. His face was pale, and he looked at her as if he had seen a ghost, she attempted a smile, but her face couldn't move. She swallowed the lump in her throat. 'Hi' was all she could say to him. His face remained still and she wondered if she should just back away, she was about to turn and run when he jumped down from the stage and slowly walked towards her. He stopped a foot in front of her and stared into her eyes. Lily wanted to look away, she was sure he could read her every thought. Still he said nothing, his dark eyes bore into her soul, he could tell, he knew what she had done. She averted her eyes and shuffled nervously on the spot, 'Hi' he said to her, she looked up at him. He was smiling at her, her heart sank with relief. 'Hi Lil' He said again and all of a sudden he leaned in and grabbed her, pulling her tightly into his arms. She fell into him and closed her eyes as a wave of nostalgia washed over her. God she had missed him.

They stood in their tight embrace for what seemed like forever, Rufus had been so scared that he would never see her again, holding her in his arms felt like a miracle. He had imagined her walking through those doors so many times, running back into his arms as if nothing had changed. And here she was, her head buried into his shoulder, her blonde hair tickling his chin. He felt complete once again. She lifted her head eventually and he let her go, not wanting this moment to end, but knowing it had to. She still could barely meet his eye, and she tried to brush the tears off her cheek. 'Do you have time…time to talk?' She asked pleading. He nodded, 'of course…..there are things to say' She nodded back, and attempted a smile, but it never quite reached her eyes.

He led her to the back, nothing had changed. The torn posters and Lincoln Hawk flyers decorated the walls, as well as photographs from the shows, many of which she had taken. There was one of herself and Rufus, she noticed. She had never seen it before, they weren't looking at the camera, someone had caught them smiling at each other, as the world moved around them, they were still. She tried to swallow the lump in her throat, they were so happy together. It hurt so much to see it staring back at her defiantly, mocking her. Why had she come back here?

She sat on the couch which a mere eight months ago they were making love on, the memory of it burned into her skin as she sat down on it. He sat next to her, twisting himself round to look at her. He watched her as if she would disappear if he looked away, like she was some kind of mirage. They sat in silence neither knowing what to say. She knew they had both waited for this moment for so long, but now that it was here, it was harder than she had imagined. Things felt awkward, and that was something she had never felt with Rufus, but she knew it was her own doing, she was to blame.

'How are you?' He asked her with more concern than she had expected. She looked into his eyes and saw worry etched into his face, she had done this. She hated herself for that, for many things. 'I'm okay' she lied, 'how are you?' He looked away, unsure of how he felt and wondering if she really was as okay as he felt. 'I'm…I don't honestly know how I am Lily' he sounded defeated and sad, her stomach dropped, she wanted to reach out and hold him, but she knew she didn't have that right anymore.

'I saw your picture in the paper Rufus, congratulations, I knew they would love you' She tried to change the subject, and he smiled at her 'Thanks, getting that deal somehow wasn't quite the same without you by my side though' He looked at her seriously and she averted her gaze, she hadn't wanted this, this emotional confrontation, she just wanted to make sure he was okay. She didn't have the emotional capacity to deal with any more sadness than what she was already carrying around with her.

'Where were you Lily?' He asked her, 'Where have you been all this time?' He was serious and she sensed anger creeping into his voice. 'Rufus, please' she begged him. She couldn't do this, that's not why she came. 'Tell me Lil, where have you been?' Lily looked up at him and sighed. 'I just, I just needed some time away, to figure out who I was and what I wanted' Rufus shook his head, he didn't get it, that's why she left him? He could feel himself starting to get angry with her, that's not what he wanted. He had been angry and heartbroken for months now, he didn't want to feel that way anymore. Yet here she was sitting in front of him, acting as if everything was okay, like nothing had happened and looking as beautiful as she did then, she was making it so hard to remain calm.

'And did you?' He asked her 'Did you find out who you are? What you wanted?' Lily stared at him, he hated her, of course he did, she did too. She wanted to cry, but she couldn't. 'I don't know' She told him truthfully. He looked even more angry now, he was biting his lip and staring off into the distance. There was a pause, before he looked at her, his eyes glistened with unshed tears. 'Tell me Lily, why did you leave me? Was it for him? I need to know.' Lily shook her head, 'Him? Him Who?' Who did she think he had left him for? How could he ever think that there could be anyone other than him. He laughed a harsh bitter laugh, which she didn't recognise as him. 'Who? William Van Der Woodsen, that's who.' Lily's stomach dropped, her mother had been trying desperately to get her to start something with Will, but she had resisted, after everything she had been through she couldn't bare another man touching or talking to her, she didn't even want him near her. Her mother just didn't get it.

'Rufus, no! I didn't leave you for him!' She pleaded 'Then tell me why Lily, tell me why you left our home in the middle of the night and left me a note! Please Lil, talk to me.' He reached over and grabbed her hand, squeezing it tightly. She wanted to tell him why, she wanted to explain everything. It wasn't for another man, it wasn't because she didn't love him, it was because she loved him too much. She couldn't be the one to take away his dream. But here he was, staring at her with those hurt eyes, begging her to tell him the truth, pleading with her to put him out of his misery. He deserved to know that wasn't why she left, she couldn't keep this secret from him any longer.

Taking a deep breath she stared into his eyes and began to speak, knowing she risked having him hate her forever, but needing him to know the truth. 'Rufus, I…..' She was about to say it when the door bust open and in flew Ben. 'Humphrey!' He yelled 'Five minutes we're on!' they both stared at him for a moment, Lily's heart was beating fast, she tried to calm her breathing, she couldn't believe she was about to tell him the truth, what was she thinking? 'Rhodes! Is that you?' Ben looked at her and she let go of Rufus's hands and stood up 'Ben! Its so good to see you!' he walked towards her and enveloped her in his arms. 'Its good to see you too, its been too long!' he let her go and smiled at her. 'We've missed you babe, some more than others of course!' he shot a sideways glance to Rufus who was slowly getting to his feet. She laughed nervously. 'Your staying for the show right?' He asked her. Lily shook her head, 'No, I'm leaving now' She had to go, it wasn't part of her plan to stay to see him sing, she had already stayed too long, she had already almost broken down, she had to leave. 'No, Lily, you have to stay, you haven't seen us perform in months, come on!' Ben persisted. But Lily shook her head again. 'I can't Ben, its…I just can't I need to leave' she shot Rufus a look, he looked as though he was about to throw up. 'Lil, stay, please, don't go, not just yet.' He grabbed her hand for a moment, and she stared at him. She needed to leave, but her heart wanted to stay with him, just a little longer, just to hear him sing, just one more time, then she would say goodbye. She nodded her head, ok, her voice failed her. He knew and he smiled, 'I'll find you after.' and with that he and Ben left her alone to wonder what the hell she was doing.

She stood at the back, she didn't want to see anyone else, she couldn't bare trying to explain her absence, lying to people wasn't something she enjoyed. Rufus felt sick, for the past eight months since she had been gone he had closed his eyes, imagining her at the back of the room, watching him sing to her, smiling, dancing. Just being there for him. And now there she was, stood in the shadows. Smiling, but barely moving. She seemed to be hiding, his Lily never hid in the shadows. Something had changed her, he could tell that much.

Lily held on to her now empty stomach, the last time she was here she could feel their son kicking inside of her, she knew as soon as she felt him move inside of her that she loved him. He moved the most when he could hear his Daddy sing. Rufus would never know this. Her eyes filled with tears. She wanted her baby back, she wanted Rufus back. But she couldn't have either because she had given them both away. She didn't deserve either of them. His eyes never left hers, as he sang their song. She loved the lyrics, he had written it for her, and she hoped now more than ever it was true. She believed they were, she felt as if wherever she was, a part of Rufus was always with her, so they must be. She hoped that meant her son would one day know that too, that she loved him. That in giving him away, she gave away a piece of herself. She understood now, more than ever what that song meant. She felt herself back further into the shadows as a hot tear ran down her cheek.

'Ouch!' she heard a woman cry, she had stepped on someone's foot. 'Oh I'm sorry!' she said, turning around she stopped still as she saw the short blonde woman whom she had stood on. Alison. 'Lily!' She cried in surprise 'What are you doing here?' Alison looked at her angrily, it wasn't the friendly reception Lily had been expecting. 'I came to see Rufus' She told her. Alison eyed her suspiciously. 'He doesn't want to see you, so you may as well just leave before he see's you' she said sharply. Lily knew that Alison had always had a little crush on Rufus, but please as if Rufus wouldn't want to see her, who was she anyway his keeper? 'Actually' Lily started 'I've already spoken with Rufus and he asked me to stay.' Lily saw a flash of anger in Alison's eyes which she had never seen from her before. 'Well I'm telling you, I think it would be best if you left now.' Lily shook her head and smiled. Who the hell did Alison she think she was? Nobody told Lily Rhodes what to do, except maybe her mother. 'And I am telling you, Alison, that I'm not going anywhere until I see Rufus again' Lily placed her hands on her hips and Alison folded her arms. 'Just where do you get off huh?' She flicked her hair over her shoulder as if she meant business, and lily smirked at her as if she was meant to be intimidated. 'You left him, alone. Nothing but a note, for another man, and then just expect to waltz back into his life and be waiting with open arms? You're a conceited bitch.' Lily felt like she had been slapped. But she wasn't going to be spoken to like that by someone like Alison. 'Who the hell do you think your talking too? You don't know me, how dare you make judgements about me and Rufus, what the hell do you know about anything!' Lily shouted back at her. 'I know a lot more than you think, it was me who had to pick Rufus back up again after you left him in pieces, its me who has been there for him the past few months, so why don't you just go back to wherever you were hiding and leave us alone?' Lily felt the tears threatening to spill over her eyes. Rufus and Alison? No it couldn't be true, she couldn't have been in her bed, Alison couldn't have been curled up into Rufus, no that was her spot. that's where she belonged. Not Alison. But deep down, she knew it was true. And it broke her heart all over again.

She looked back at the stage, Rufus was watching her. He knew, she knew. She couldn't bare it. She had to get out of there, she knew she deserved everything she got, but it didn't make it any easier. Closing her eyes, she turned away from him and ran, pushing her way through the crowds. Staring at the floor so that nobody would see the tears snaking down her cheeks. She didn't know how but she made it outside, the cold air hitting her hot skin. She breathed deeply, closing her eyes, trying desperately to regain her composure but wanting to just curl into a ball and cry.

Slowly she opened her eyes, and there he was in front of her 'Get out of my way Rufus' She told him, she couldn't do this now. He shook his head. 'No' She moved to get around him, but he was too quick, he stepped in front of her. She shook her head. 'Get out of my way' she told him again. 'No' he said more firmly. She looked up at him, she wanted to fall into his arms, she wanted to kiss him hard. She was so weary, she just wanted him to hold her. But he couldn't, too much had happened, there was too much between them 'Please Rufus' She begged. 'Just let me go' Rufus shook his head again. 'No Lil, I need you to tell me why' Lily ran her fingers through her hair, exasperated. 'Why does it even matter anymore Rufus? You've moved on, I get it!' She tried to move past him again, but he grabbed her arm, pulling her back around 'It matters to me!' He snapped back at her. 'How long did it take, by the way, for her to crawl into your bed? A week? Two? I bet it felt good having someone to make it all better didn't it Rufus?' She spat at him. 'What did you expect me to do Lil? Wait for you? You weren't even coming back! You left me!' He shouted back at her, the hurt creeping into his voice, he blinked back the tears. 'You didn't come after me Rufus, why didn't you come after me?' she cried. 'Because you broke my heart!' he shouted back at her. She was stunned. She could see it then, the reason he was so pale, the reason why he had lost weight. Her. She had done this to him. She had broken him, she had broken them both. She was crying now, she tried to wipe her tears away furiously, he turned around his back on her and looked up at the sky, willing himself not to cry as well. He had to stay strong. He wanted to hit something, he was so angry and frustrated, it shouldn't be this complicated.

'I didn't think…..I didn't think you wanted me to come after you' he confessed, sounding defeated, all traces of anger vanished from his voice. Lily looked at him longingly, 'I didn't…I mean, I didn't know what I wanted.' she confessed to him. He looked at her. For the first time in the time Rufus had known Lily, he didn't get her. He didn't know what she wanted, or what she wanted him to do. He couldn't win with her. 'I wrote you, I wrote to you every week, why didn't you call me Lil? I was so worried about you.' he swallowed the lump in his throat. She looked at him, what letters? Was he lying to her? She never got any letters. She looked at him, his eyes could never lie to her. This had her mothers meddling written all over it. She sighed, she should have known Rufus would have tried to contact her. Of course he would. 'I never got them, I thought you didn't care' she looked away from him. And he stepped towards her. 'Seven months Lil' He told her. 'I waited for you, I wrote you songs and letters and I slept on your side of the bed…I missed you so much it hurt' Lily let out the cry that she was holding in her throat. 'Me too' she cried. He stared at her, tears running down her face, she was sobbing in front of him, she was still his and his heart melted. He still loved her. He still loved her so much and that was all that mattered. He stepped forward and quickly pulled her into his arms before she could protest. She didn't, she was too distraught and she rested her head into his shoulder. He could feel her hot tears soaking through his shirt. He ran his fingers through her long hair. And he slowly rocked her back and forward. He may not get her. He may never really get her, but that wasn't important. All he wanted was to keep her safe, wrapped up in his arms for the rest of his life.

He saw Alison come out of the back door and she stopped when she saw him holding Lily in his arms. She stared at them for a moment, and he stood still defiantly, still holding Lily. She shook her head and walked away from him, not looking back. He didn't know how he felt about Alison, he liked her, and he cared about her. But right now she wasn't his priority. After a while Lily's sobs lessened, and she stood back from his embrace. 'I need to go' she told him. Rufus shook his head 'Go where Lily? We still have so much to talk about.' Lily stared into his dark eyes, looking into them hurt. They reminded her of what she had just given up, their son. Rufus didn't know this because he would never forgive her, why should he forgive her when she couldn't even forgive herself? She would always hate herself for doing this to Rufus, and to their son. She knew, standing their in his arms, she wanted to stay with him so badly, but she knew she couldn't.

'I love you Rufus' She told him, and he looked at her confused. 'Please don't hate me' she asked him. He furrowed his brow, how could he hate her? 'Lil, baby, I don't hate you, I love you, I could never hate you' He told her and she smiled, feeling glad that maybe one day he would understand, maybe. She reached forward and kissed him. Parting his lips and letting his taste linger, remembering what it was like, before the cruel words, before the times got hard, before all the broken hearts. When it was just them, and they were those two people in that photograph, those two people who were meeting for the first time, smiling, happy, enjoying the adventure that they were embarking on together. She wouldn't have done it any other way. She pulled away and smiled at him through her tears. 'Goodbye Rufus' she told him, and began to walk away. 'Lily! What the…this isn't goodbye, it can't be…..' she turned around and tried to swallow the lump in her throat. 'It is Rufus, it has to be, we need to move on' he shook his head. 'NO! Lily…..I can't say goodbye to you, I tried once, I can't! I won't! This can't be goodbye?' Lily shrugged her shoulders. 'Then how come it is?' she told him dejectedly. She wanted to run to him, tell him she wanted to stay, she hated the word goodbye too. But this was hard, it was too damn hard, she didn't want to leave, god knows she didn't want to walk away from him, but she couldn't stay. She couldn't look at him everyday and remember what she had done, no, she had to walk away. Walking away from your problems was hard when it felt like your whole world was crashing down around you and the excruciating pain of your heart breaking is bringing you to your knee's. But it was still easier than staying and facing the reality. And so she placed her hand over her mouth and blew him a kiss, and mouthed 'I love you' before turning and walking away. Her mouth couldn't form the words. Her brain told her to look away so she wouldn't see his heart breaking as she left him on the side of the road. And yet she knew, this was still the cowards way out. So she ran, she ran away from Rufus, from her one true love and her one chance at happiness. He called her name again, but she didn't look back. Sobs wracked her body as she walked away. Her hand on her empty stomach, she didn't have anything left of him anymore, and it hurt all the more this time.


End file.
